Feeling strangely calm

Congratulate me, I'm homeless!

No! It's really alright. I meant to do it! It's not by unfortunate circumstances, but by the calculated (albeit, perhaps unwise) choice to ditch the life I had settled into and settled for, to chase the unknown. Being the age that I am, I guess you could say I'm getting a head start on my mid-life crises. Or perhaps a delayed outreach to 'find myself' that really should have happened all the times I dreamed of running away in the past 20 years. Anyway, it's happening. My job is almost done. My apartment is home to someone else now. Hell, even my cat has gone on to better things! For the foreseeable future, it's just me and a couple of suitcases and a misguided yearning to go west and try something new.

A couple of days ago, I was in a coffee shop next to a threesome of an organized group of graphic designers. While I was paying bills online and emailing my mom, they droned on about websites and fonts, and this and that, and audiences and aesthetics, the customer and the kerning... In my head I was screaming, "Oh Good Grief, who gives a rats batooty?!" Even before it dawned on me that that IS me! -Soon to be 'former me', in my defense. But that's my life so far by trade. I move other people's photos and words and ideas around and create something entirely not my own. The banality of hearing the language of it as a fly on the wall of a Dunn Brother's made me feel briefly angry.

However, as of a week from today, that is my former self, facing a future-self that is not blank, but a white-washed canvas with a few ill attempts at greatness buried below the surface. At the same time I feel the physical aches of my road so far and the mental lightness of making a childish decision. We'll see which one wins in the end.

At the moment, I'm a house guest - drinking someone else's booze, using someone elss washing machine, walking someone else's dog at a point in my life where I know for a fact that some may judge me on my lack of material wealth and see the lack of production of my womb as an unfortunate result of  unfortunate circumstances.  But, as I've learned with age, my friends, comes orneriness, and I don't care what some think anymore. Actually, I have a feeling some people might be secretly jealous I can pick up and start over, and that's good enough for me.